Arnav paced back and forth in the guest room. Tears refused to leave his eyes, venomous tentacles of pain clutched at his mind, and his heart was invaded by guilt.
He couldn't stop thinking about her, how she had screamed and pleaded with him, how she had tried numerous times to get away, how he had seen her hiding in the corner in their room. Her face when she saw him in front of her'that mixture of fear, pain, and hatred in her eyes'was as good as real in front of his eyes.
He had never felt so confused and helpless in his life. He didn't know what to do next. He didn't know how he would face her. What the hell was he supposed to say to her?
"You were supposed to tell her you love her, remember?" a part of his mind whispered to him.
"He doesn't love her. He wouldn't have done this to her if he did." Another part of his mind countered.
"He wouldn't have done it if he was sober." Said the other part.
"She'll hate him now, no matter what."
"She loves him too...you've seen it in her eyes Arnav."
"But the most recent expression he's seen isn't of love. It's of hatred. And fear. Did you not see the pain in her eyes? The bruises and scars on her skin? It's all his fault!"
Arnav stood in front of the mirror, trying to shut the internal argument. Frustrated with the whirlpool of emotions and confused to the core, he smacked a hand across the dressing table, knocking off anything and everything on it.
He looked at the clock. It was a little past 8 a.m. He braced himself and walked towards the door. He couldn't just let her deal with all of this alone. He would go to her. He would talk to her. Apologize to her'not that he expected her to forgive him. He just wanted to see her. He wanted her to vent. She could kill him if she wanted to but he would go to her.
With a determined mind, he walked to their bedroom. He felt that determination quiver a little bit when his hand touched the doorknob. He took a deep breath in and opened the door.
The reality of his cruel act slapped into his face as he looked at the room. His eyes automatically turned to the spot where she'd been hiding. She wasn't there. He looked at the door to the bathroom. He cautiously walked to it, trying his best to not look at the mess in the room.
He put a hand to the door and brought his ear closer but the door opened under the pressure of his hand. He didn't hear any sound coming from the bathroom so he opened the door further. She wasn't there either. He walked to the poolside French doors, worried. She wasn't there either.
He turned around and looked at the room again. He didn't know how it was possible to have your heart shatter every other second. He looked at the clock again, 8:30 am. Hari Prakash would be in the house by now. He couldn't let HP see this mess!
Arnav closed and locked the door and busied himself putting the room back in order. It wasn't easy given that everything he touched and everything he saw reminded him of the most horrendous deed of his life.
Once the room was back to how it had been before, Arnav walked out, closing the door behind him. He couldn't stand being in that room. He felt like he was suffocating in there. He had to find Khushi. He walked room to room checking to see if she was in there.
Panicking when he couldn't find her, he was rushing down the stairs when he bumped into Hari Prakash.
"What the!! Watch where you're going, damn it!" Arnav lashed out at him.
HP looked at him, terrified, and then looked at his own hands. The haze in Arnav's mind cleared seeing that expression on his face. It reminded him of how terrified Khushi looked earlier.
"Sorry..." Arnav mumbled quickly. "Have you seen Khushi?"
"I saw her in the temple room." HP muttered, still not looking at Arnav.
Arnav ran down the stairs, two at a time, and ran towards the temple room. He'd never set foot in that room before. After his parents died, he'd vowed that he would never believe in God again. He couldn't put faith in the so called power that could take a little boy's parents away from him. Now he had another reason to not believe in God. If the ultimate power, that we call God, really existed, he would have stopped Arnav from raping his wife. He would have, should have, given enough strength to Khushi'who put so much faith in her Devi Maiyya'to escape from him.
But that hadn't happened. He hadn't stopped his torture and she hadn't escaped. God had helped neither one because God didn't exist.
He turned the doorknob but didn't have the heart to open the door. He was so ashamed of his actions that he had no idea how he would face her again. He let go of the doorknob and walked out of the house, fuming.
He drove like a maniac through the empty winding street of his neighbourhood. Once again the memories from last night haunted him and he came to an abrupt stop in the middle of a deserted street. He punched the steering wheel in anger and let out a frustrated scream. His scream soon took form of sobs and Arnav Singh Raizada cried for the millionth time since waking up that day.
He made himself go back home at night. He had wandered the streets in his car all day, took lonely and depressing walks in the parks. When he came back home, the silence in the house was deafening.
Normally, it would be echoing with Khushi's laughter along with the family. Her constant chatter and her blurts of 'Devi Maiyya'. Or even the simple soothing sound of her anklets as she skipped around the house. It was all missing now. It was so quiet in the house that he could hear his own heartbeat.
Hari Prakash was clearing the dining table when Arnav approached him.
"Have you seen Khushi?" Arnav questioned, sounding as calm as he could manage.
"She was in the temple all day." Hari Prakash said quietly.
Arnav's eyes scanned the dining table. "Did she already have dinner?"
Arnav knew that he had no reason to feel this way but he'd felt a bit disheartened that she'd had dinner without him. Any day he had been late because of a meeting or something, he always found her waiting for him at the table. The two would then have dinner together and Arnav would pretend to work'but in reality watch her as she helped HP clear the table'and then the two would share a cup of coffee by the poolside.
Arnav blinked. No. He had no right to expect any of that from her anymore.
"She hasn't eaten anything all day." HP said, sounding sad and hesitant.
Arnav's brows knit together in a frown. Something ice-cold pierced through his heart. "Can you serve me a plate for her? I'll take it to her."
Arnav tried to keep the tears at bay as HP hurriedly served food in a plate. Arnav took it from him and nodded. "You can leave if you want HP. Your work hours are over anyway. Thanks for staying back."
HP gaped at Arnav as he walked away. Did the man just thank him? A shocked HP left while a distraught Arnav breathed in and opened the door, his eyes fixed on the plate.
"K-Khushi?" He called out to her, his voice slightly above a whisper. He kept his eyes glued to the plate and waited for her response. When he didn't get one, he called out to her again.
He finally forced himself to look up when he didn't get a response and he figured out why. She was asleep. The sight of her filled him with pain and guilt he'd never thought possible. Overwhelmed by the feelings, he let out a shaky sigh as tears once again invaded his eyes.
He could feel his hands trembling and he turned away quickly. He walked to the dining table and put the plate down. He ran a hand through his hair and clenched his teeth tight. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself and went up to the bedroom.
He picked up a pillow and a blanket and walked out of the room in less than 20 seconds. That room was now a hell hole for him.
He carefully walked to the temple room again and walked ever so slowly towards her. As he kneeled in front of her, the bruises and scars against her milky skin were highlighted to his eyes. It was as if they were jumping up and down to get his attention. That didn't shake him as much as the fresh tears on her cheeks did.
Putting a stone over his heart, he wedged the pillow under her head and covered her with a blanket, making sure not to touch her. Even the thought of touching her seemed like a crime to him now. His hand itched to wipe away the tears on her cheek but his guilt didn't let him.
He clenched his hands into fists and looked at her face closely. The soft smile that was plastered on her face even in deep slumber was gone. It was replaced by a frown and a pained expression that he'd seen in his mind a gazillion times.
He thought back to all those times when he's seen her smile and laugh wholeheartedly with the family. The family. That rang a bell in his mind. What would happen when they got back? How could he face them? What would she do? Would she say anything to them?
Unable to deal with the questions and emotions creating havoc in his mind, he ripped his eyes away from her face and walked out of the temple. He closed to door behind him and leaned on the wall. As he slid down to the floor, he cried again. He didn't even know when he fell asleep.
In the morning when he woke up, the first thing he did was to check the temple room. She was still sleeping. He didn't dare go look at her this time. He simply ran to the guest room and got ready for office. The best way to keep his mind away from all this was to busy himself with work. Besides, she would feel safer if he was gone.
But who was he kidding? He spent the entire day in the office just as he had done yesterday. He just couldn't rid himself of the guilt, of the pain, of the heartbreak. The heartbreak that he had inflicted upon himself. He was probably the first man who had broken his own heart through inflicting pain on the one he loved.
That night when he entered the house, a familiar scent of jalebis greeted him. He almost smiled. At least she had stepped out of the temple room. At least she had done something Khushi-like.
HP was walking towards the doors holding two large bags. He stopped and gaped at Arnav.
"Khushi made jalebis?" Arnav asked.
HP nodded and held up the bags. "But she ordered me to throw them away."
Arnav looked at the bags and away, lost in his thoughts when HP cleared his throat. "Sir...she was crying all day and...and...She hasn't eaten anything today either."
Arnav closed his eyes. He couldn't take the fact that she was punishing herself for something that he'd done. He couldn't get himself to eat either but he hated the fact that Khushi had stopped eating'something she enjoyed thoroughly.
"I'll speak to her. Thank you." Arnav started walking away.
"Sir?" HP called out with shaky voice. Arnav stopped and turned his head sideways but didn't look at HP. "Is she alright?" HP asked.
Arnav swallowed and walked away without answering. Before he reached for the doorknob of the temple room, he found the blanket and pillow outside. He looked at the door and turned the doorknob but it didn't turn. It was locked.
Panic surged through his veins. He knocked on the door without a second thought. "Khushi!" But she didn't respond. Arnav knocked again, louder. "Khushi open the door!" He continued to knock but alas, no response from her. "Khushi please open the door! Listen to me just once please!" His crying had started again but he didn't care. "Khushi please! Open the door damn it! I'll stay out here but just open the door! I promise I won't come in but just...just keep the door open! Please Khushi! I know you hate me now but please...please don't do this to me! Just open the door! I need to make sure you're alright! Don't punish yourself for what I've done! Please Khushi! Khushi!"
He pleaded with her and begged her for a long time but she didn't respond. He fell to his knees and leaned his forehead on the closed door, letting the grief and tears take over him.
The next day, in the morning, the ringing of his cell phone brought him back to consciousness. Seeing 'Nani' flash on his screen, he forgot everything. He felt happier than he had for even a second in the last two days.
"Hello Nani!"
"Chotte? Are you still sick? What's wrong with your voice?!" Nani said worriedly.
Arnav composed himself. "I'm fine Nani...it's just that my throat is a little sore..."
"Don't worry Chotte...Khushi will make sure you're fine..."
Arnav closed his eyes, pushing the pain away from his mind.
"I called to tell you that we're coming back tonight...the wedding atmosphere was a bit much for Payal and she'd drained. Akash wants to take her home before she falls sick...the wedding is done anyway..."
Arnav was glad that they were coming back. He knew that she would feel a lot better with the family around. He kept his responses to Nani short and simple, making sure to stay composed.
"Where's Khushi?" Nani asked. Arnav's head turned to look at the still closed door of the temple room.
He swallowed a lump in his throat. "She's sleeping."
After talking for a bit more, Arnav hung up the phone and turned to the door, wanting to knock but he held himself back. He decided to trick her into coming out. He had to.
He walked up into the bedroom, grabbed the necessary things, and went back to the guest room to get ready. When Hari Prakash came in with his usual coffee, ASR gave him some instructions.
He walked back downstairs and yelled. "HP! I'm leaving. If Aman comes here, send him to the office!" And with that, he walked into Nani's room which was directly across the temple. He left the door slightly open and peeked from the gap.
A few minutes later, he heard the locks click on the temple room's doors and his heart started pounding. It was beating so hard that he could hear it in his head. His heart felt like it would explode when the doors pulled open and a Khushi'who looked nothing like his Khushi'looked around. She took a few steps outside and he realized that she was covered from neck to ankle in a suit. Her scarf was wrapped around her like a shawl, effectively covering her arms. But her face was exposed to him.
He saw the changes. The obvious changes. There was a band-aid on the right corner of her forehead'probably covering a scratch. There was a bruise at the corner of her jaw and he knew that if he were to go and try, he could probably match one of his fingers to the size of the bruise. Her eyes were bloodshot and were highlighted by the dark circles.
The fear on her face was as if it had been permanently tattooed on. He hadn't realized how tightly he'd been gripping the door until he felt his muscles and fingers protest. He ignored the sting in his eyes and watched as she gingerly climbed the steps, looking as though she was limping slightly. As soon as she walked into their bedroom, he looked around for HP. HP came running and closed and locked the temple doors as per instructed by Arnav.
He walked out into the living room and sat down on the couch, resting his elbows on his knees, his hands in his face. HP came over with the key to the lock to the temple. Arnav took the key, thanked him, and asked him to take the day off.
About an hour later, he heard her take steps down the staircase.
"HP! Who locked the door to this room?" She roared and Arnav flinched.
He had never heard her so angry. He stood up and turned to face her. When she saw him, her expression went from angry to terrified to angry again. He had only taken a step towards her and in response she had stomped back up the stairs, slammed the guest room's door and locked it.
Arnav reached a second too late and banged on the door.
"Khushi please! You can punish me any way you want, just not this! Please don't run from me Khushi!"
He repeatedly begged her to come out of the room and just as before, she didn't pay attention to his calls--or so he'd thought.
He'd tried every few hours to knock the door and bring her out but every single time she had ignored his pleads. Just like he had ignored her pleads and cries when he had tortured her.
Night came a lot quicker than he would have liked and he heard the car screech to a stop outside of the house. His eyes flickered to the bedroom door which was still locked. He considered going up and telling her that the family was back but before he could make up his mind, Nani walked in cheerfully with Akash-Payal and Mama-Mami on her tail.
Payal, as expected, had thrown a fit over Arnav's bandaged hands and faint scratches on his face. He had found it especially difficult to control his emotions at that point. All he wanted to do was break down in front of them and tell them what terrible deed he's done while they were gone. He had kept mum and hadn't answered any of her questions.
Then, he heard the guest room door burst open and Khushi looked over the railing. Her face showed more joy than it had since the wretched night. Her eyes suddenly tearful, she ran down the stairs and ran straight into Nani's arms, bawling. Her sobs were so pained and agonized that everyone was shell shocked. Arnav felt like a million ice pricks had been pierced through his heart over and over again.
"Khushi bitiya! What happened?! What's going on?" Nani pulled apart from Khushi and cupped her face. "And...And...What happened to you! The scars and the bruises...Chotte is also hurt! What's going on? Why are you crying?" Nani was panicking.
Khushi composed herself quickly and sniffed. She hastily wiped her tears and forced a smile'Arnav knew the difference between her real smile and her forced smile. "I...I was missing Amma and Bauji..." another sob escaped her.
"And what about these scars and bruises?" Nani inquired.
"Oh...that...I...we went for a walk and got into a tiny accident...it's nothing major."
Arnav looked at her, chilled to the core. She hadn't exposed him in front of the family. Nani sat Khushi down and Arnav stood in the same spot, completely aware of Payal's eyes evaluating every expression of his face.
Nani talked to Khushi and tried to calm her down and Arnav had never been gladder for a phone to ring. He excused himself and walked out of the room. His eyes met Payal's on the way out and he knew she had questions for him.
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